Salty will return in March.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
Boyfriend's twin brothers are the most cruel poeple in the entire world. That's why I wish they were my best friends.
Some years ago BF's mom quit real work to become an artist. The paint kind. "Think about it," the twins said, "what real artist do you know puts up her own framed work in every room in the entire house and presents them like they're the work of some other artist? Count it! She has two of her own paintings in every room!"
I tried to defend her. "You really have to be your own advocate," I said, stumbling.
Posted by Salty at 12:48 AM
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My favorite thing about talking to Boyfriend's mom is that she loves to complain about BF's dad. It kind of makes me uncomfortable because I like his dad a lot, but that is easily forgotten when she gets into the really salacious stuff. This morning she told me about their recent trip to snow country where they drove through a dangerous patch of black ice. "I was good, better than I usually am when he's driving and doesn't know what he's doing," she told me, "All I did was pray. Out loud, of course!"
Posted by Salty at 4:24 PM
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I've been trying to get BF to join the same swanky gym that I recently joined. I mostly only use the treadmill, but I'm still really excited about everything. "Come on," I told him, "We can take yoga and we could even play tennis. I'm really into tennis these days."
He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "You mean the concept of tennis?"
Posted by Salty at 12:15 AM
Friday, December 12, 2008
A friend of mine called today from San Francisco, where he lives now. He called to report some bad news. His dog Big Boi had mauled the guy who had been taking care of him here in Tempe. The dogsitter was nice enough not to press charges or put the dog to sleep, because he loved the dog and he felt somehow culpable for the mauling. The dog is in doggie jail with a $500 bail; the dog sitter's arms were completely fucked up, his abdomen was split in two and has staples in his ankles to hold the skin down. No, he would not press charges, but no, the dog would live there no more.
My friend asked if I would be able to take care of the Big Boi. I declined. So did all his other friends.
"That's the thing about this whole incident," he concluded, "now my dog has this stigma attached to him."
Posted by Salty at 11:28 PM
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I found myself in the passenger's side of my sister's car the other day. When we spend time together I always try to make the time worthwhile by sharing some of my wisdom, because she really needs it. When she asked me what kind of jobs and careers I'm looking at I spent a long time telling her about the travails of finding something that I like doing and that I'm good at and that can pay for the decadent lifestyle I have planned for myself. It was very sincere.
Trying to engage her, I asked what her dream job might be. She said, "I'm trying to get famous."
Posted by Salty at 11:02 PM
We catered a holiday event for a local law firm the other night. As I stood in line at the bar a young lawyer cut the line, ordered a Stella and handed the bartender one of the passe vertical IDs that Arizona used to give to those under 21. The bartender refused to serve him because the vertical IDs aren't valid state ID anymore.
The lawyer turned red. "I've never even heard that before. I've used this ID all around town. I'm an associate at this firm. You're not going to serve me?"
The bartender crossed his arms. "I'm sorry sir," he said, smiling, "but it's the law."
Posted by Salty at 1:17 AM
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
One of the guys I work with is Indian. I can't pronounce his tribe's name, so I call him Navajo. He has taught me all about teepees, buffaloes, and rain dances.
Yesterday for his birthday I asked him if his celebratory plans included getting real drunk then shooting some bows and arrows. He said no; he was planning to scalp some white people while listening to Morrissey.
I totally begged to come along.
Posted by Salty at 12:49 AM
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Posted by Salty at 10:38 PM
For years, I have done most of my running in alleyways. I don't like people watching me while I run, because I have personally watched myself run alongside several mirrored buildings. It's nothing to harbor illusions over.
Alley running is the best. There is no concrete. You get chased by escaped chihuahuas. You know where the best free couches are. Best of all, there is privacy.
Today I ran into my very first alleybum. Well, ran by him. He was scoping out some awesome free clothing. I thought it would be a nice encounter so I started to wave. In return he gave me a look that advised me to get the hell out of there ASAP. So I did. I ran very quickly.
Posted by Salty at 12:58 AM
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
On Sunday BF and I went shopping for games to play while on Christmas vacation with his freaky genius brothers in a snowy winter cabin. "Put down Scrabble. Put down anything that requires verbal or mathematical acumen. Your brothers will win every time. I can't even sit at that table. I belong in the barn," I instructed BF. "Your Game choice has to show support for me and my disabilities. Think Pictionary, or something."
At that instant I spotted my own Game Choice. I picked it up. But it was too late.
"Dirty Minds The Game Of Naughty Clues? My parents are going to be there," he said, yanking it away and placing it far above my reach.
Posted by Salty at 9:53 PM
Monday, December 1, 2008
"That's not how you pronounce it," Boyfriend informed me. "It's wan-tin, not won-ton. And you said Quantum of Sole-is. It's sah-lis."
I looked at him and frowned. "Kiss my ass," I said, and walked away.
Posted by Salty at 11:09 PM
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Some time ago, I went to get my hair cut. I wish I didn't. The signs were all there. The woman told me I was one of her first real hair cuts. She had no idea what a "pixie cut" was. And worse of all, she said, "Katie Holmes? Like Dawson's Creek?"
Everybody at work has been calling me Mister and it's been over a month.
Posted by Salty at 10:25 PM
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My frat boy neighbors are annoying. One of the annoying things they do is create rudimentary toys out of wood and then paint "Delta Upsilon" on them. In this tradition, they recently made a seesaw. And then they decided to store it where I park my car.
When I drove up to my parking spot I initially decided to park around it. Then I decided to run into it. Pushing on the gas pedal was great fun. But then the car treated the seesaw as a ramp, and soon I was halfway up the seesaw. There was a brief Oh Shit moment when I didn't know if my car was going to flip sideways or if it would be fun to see if the car could reach past the midpoint and effectively have seesawed.
Wisely I decided to put the car in reverse.
Posted by Salty at 9:44 PM
Monday, November 24, 2008
I've been furiously writing in a makeshift dungeon for the last few days because as it turns out I actually did have to turn in that paper that I was supposed to be writing for the last month.
Last night in bed I gave it to Boyfriend and told him to proof it. I got under the covers, put a pillow over my head, and began to cringe in waiting for the billion red marks that would grace my paper. After a half hour I asked him if it was really that bad. "Nope," he replied, "Just enjoying the silence."
Posted by Salty at 10:52 AM
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Last night I rolled up to a Whataburger drive-thru. Whataburger is an unpopular burger chain known primarily for once having the Phoenix Suns announcer emcee their commercials. Everything on the Whataburger menu begins with "What."
"Whatahello," I said into the speaker.
There was a long pause, and then a sigh.
And then, "Are you going to order or not?"
Posted by Salty at 3:41 PM
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My sister is ghetto fabulous. She reads books by Kimora Lee Simmons. While anorexics have Thinspiration, my sister has Asspiration. In her room you'll find pictures of Kim Kardashian and Beyonce. I wish I were kidding.
When she saw me yesterday she exclaimed, "Wow, God Damn, your ass is huge." So I think she was complimenting me.
Posted by Salty at 4:24 PM
Monday, November 17, 2008
I spent my weekend at a wedding in Tucson. Since it was in Tucson, it was a little bit different. Boyfriend and I and half the other guests filtered in after the ceremony took place because of a typo on the invitation. The reception was outside, there were rocks for centerpieces, and bottles and bottles of wine on each table. There were no seating arrangements.
Of all the people to sit next to, Boyfriend and I ended up with an Air Force guy. The guy was not expecting to sit by someone like me. At cake-cutting time he turned to Boyfriend and said curtly, "Your girlfriend should work on the 'inner dialogue' thing."
Posted by Salty at 10:38 AM
Friday, November 14, 2008
Recently I changed my major password to "JesusChristIsSuperstar," because I happened to be reading a JCS-related Perez Hilton post at the same time that I was prompted to change my password in another tab. In this time some majorly good developments have occurred in my life.
People want to blog with me. I killed a fly with my bare hands. I got a pseudo-job offer that I was really looking forward to. My current boss offered me some extra holiday hours. My boyfriend's parents decided to fly us out for a white Christmas in Northern California. I had some really really good sex.
I'm just sayin', cuz it might work for you, too.
Posted by Salty at 6:22 PM
Thursday, November 13, 2008
One of my friends is MIA. I had beer with her three weeks ago and since then I can't get a hold of her. Not by texting, not by phoning, not by email. I am sure she is not dead.
Finally I faced up to probability, sighed, and texted, "Have I offended you?"
Posted by Salty at 12:08 PM
Over dinner today, Boyfriend announced, "In case you were wondering, yes, I did doctor this stir fry. It asked for three quarters of a pound of meat, but I used a whole pound. Also, I added some red wine and garlic. And see, the vegetables are still really crisp. That's because I didn't cook it that long."
"You're a rebel," I told him.
Posted by Salty at 2:04 AM
Monday, November 10, 2008
I saw my friend Elise and her boyfriend over the weekend. I knew them when they were getting together and they are my favorite couple in the whole world. They give the best soundbites.
Like when she said, "When I first met you I thought the word 'cannabis' was pronounced Kanabi. Rhymes with wasabi. You let me go a whole two months without correcting me." He started to chuckle. She looked hurt and said, "How could you make fun of me for that?"
Posted by Salty at 9:15 PM
Friday, November 7, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:32 AM
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Why is Gmail so concerned that I send messages with subjects?
Posted by Salty at 11:16 AM
Posted by Pepper at 8:18 AM
This morning at about 8:35 am I was driving toward Starbucks for free coffee. I never made it. My car died in the middle of the road. It was not a fun experience.
When I finally got to class I told my deskmate what had happened to me. She said, "That happens to me ALL the time! I hate it too!"
Uhm..... who the fuck drives around in a car that is "likely" to die out randomly while transporting you at 45 mph??
Posted by Salty at 1:04 AM
Monday, November 3, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Over the weekend, my lovely wife took me to a super-fancy Greek restaurant called Anthos for dinner. The food was amazing. I think I was introduced to a dozen flavors that I had never tasted before. I am almost certain that I will return for the smoked octopus and I may try to learn how to make hilopita at home.
The coffee was a different story. It was served with a teaspoon of mastic in a cup of ice water. I was instructed to lick the mastic for sweetness after each sip of coffee. I thought this would be as weird as my night would get.
While we were putting on our coats, a gentlemen who was coming into the restaurant held the door open for us as my wife readied herself. As we walked out, I thanked the gentleman and said, "Thanks. OhmyGod, it's Lewis Black! Thanks, Lewis Black!" He smiled and said, "Hey, have a good night" as he entered the restaurant. I think that was weirder than the coffee.
Posted by Pepper at 10:17 PM
Friday, October 31, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:26 AM
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Today I got the first news in a while from an old acquaintance. In the last six months he got rid of his apartment in the cool part of town, bought a house in a less cool part of town, married his girlfriend, and is expecting a son in January.
The news shocked me. My initial response involved the term "knocked up." Then I remembered that Words Can Hurt and changed my response to, "Hot Dad!"
Posted by Salty at 7:15 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:50 AM
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I had a desktop computer at my parents' house. My mom used it to go shopping on the Internet. I wanted the computer back. She refused.
My younger brother gave me a broken laptop. The hard drive was fried and the computer was so slow it wasn't worth repairing.
I put a old, useless hard drive that I had lying around in the broken laptop. Then I flipped the monitor inside out, folded the laptop up, put it on a plate stand, wired a new power button to an evaporated milk can that my mom had lying around, and gave it to my mom. I hooked up a wireless keyboard and mouse and changed the wallpaper from Lucy Pinder to a pig (one of my mom's requirements). I made sure that the computer accessed the Vermont Country Store web site and LLBean.com. I told her, "To turn it on, just press the red button on the milk can."
I took home my desktop computer.
I called after a few days to see how it is all working. She said, "Eh, it's just like the old one."
Posted by Pepper at 7:15 AM
Today at work we all got a lecture because someone had written, "Miguel is a donkey lover," on the cork board. "This is FUCKING IMMATURE," my boss railed. "It's FUCKING INTOLERABLE and it WON'T BE TOLERATED. If I see this shit ONE MORE TIME someone's getting fired. This shit is just so FUCKING IMMATURE."
Five minutes later he found that someone had dumped his soda (clearly marked "Boss") in the trash. He thought it was retribution. He called us in again to the empty room. Waving the soda cup, he started again. "This is FUCKING IMMATURE..."
Posted by Salty at 12:53 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 9:03 AM
Monday, October 27, 2008
Over the weekend my new boss sat with us in the break room and told us a story about how when he was in his twenties he and a friend did some shrooms and then jumped on an ATV to ride the sand dunes of Southern California. It was a hellaciously bumpy ride and at one point my boss looked down and began to scream, "THE DORITOS ARE GONE." They then went looking for the lost Doritos.
This is what I call "A Food Service Story," because it is the sort of story you would only hear while working inside the Food Service Industry.
I am sure that more will come, and I will be able to share them with you.
Posted by Salty at 7:19 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:57 AM
Friday, October 24, 2008
About a month ago, the best Thai restaurant in Tempe closed down for "restructuring". Char's is being renamed "Thai-Rama". Like every person I've spoken to, I am at a loss over the need to change an establishment that looks like a greasy barbecue from the outside but inside features prominent original posters of Communist Thai revolutionaries along with flags and horse-like cardboard statues. I don't know why the place wasn't declared a community landmark-- they do it to those Adobe sheds, right?
In protest BF and I went to a local competitor. I ordered something with peanut sauce. It came to me looking like noodles over which Mister Peanut squatted and left a big dump.
I hate this city more and more each day.
Posted by Salty at 9:39 PM
Posted by Pepper at 8:33 AM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 7:49 AM
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Today I spoke to one of the asshole division presidents of a big apparel company to ask for help on a project I'm doing. As I explained the concept of the project to him, he interrupted me to say cryptically, "Your position is nebulous."
What the fuck does that mean?? I asked him to clarify.
Posted by Salty at 5:47 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Over the weekend I made a cranberry-apple pie, an apple-cranberry-raisin pie, and some rice krispie treats topped with Swedish Fish (something I saw on Serious Eats last week). The pies took three hours. The candy sushi took ten minutes. I'll let you guess which was more popular.
My mother-in-law made a blueberry crumb cake.
The blueberry buckle is one of my most popular desserts. On July 4th, I made one for everyone I know to celebrate New Jersey blueberry season. I was not happy with her infringing on my turf.
I told her that she is no longer allowed to make my trademark dessert. I said, "It would be like if I made your best dessert..." AND THEN I COULDN'T THINK OF ANY OF HER GOOD DESSERTS and she saw me struggling and it was just really, really bad.
Posted by Pepper at 6:53 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:15 AM
Friday, October 17, 2008
Once on a night run when I was somewhere in middle high school I came upon a yard that was being sprayed by the really good kind of sprinklers so I came into the yard and squatted upon the best sprinklerhead, the one in the middle of the yard, and wetted my hair and rinsed my face and enjoyed the fine mist a bit when the man that I didn't notice sitting on the front porch said, "Boo!" causing me to run away in genuine fear. It was a whole quarter of a mile down the road before I realized it was just an elderly man having a joke on me.
That happened again tonight. I'm 23 now. And I am ashamed.
Posted by Salty at 11:43 PM
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Know what's funny? For the last year that I've blogged, I've kept very tight-lipped about the journal. I thought of it as a secret diary, an outlet to really be myself. I've told less than 10 people, and some of those I've told I knew would never remember that I had revealed something personal. Over time I've become less guarded, even adapting "bloggable" as a frequent adjective for some crazy happening. And no one ever asks what it means. Ever.
Posted by Salty at 11:19 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:52 AM
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Posted by Salty at 10:40 AM
Posted by Pepper at 8:11 AM
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
On Saturday night I drove around on a mission for Pete's Fish N Chips-- the kind of place that serves squashed breaded shrimp on a styrofoam meat dish instead of a plate-- but found their locations closed. Dejected, I drove slowly through the winding streets of Apache near College. Suddenly my caravan of sorrow was stopped by a large man on a cruiser. He wore a beard and a horned viking hat and a red football jersey that read PHELPS on the back. He stopped his bike in front of my car, placed his pudgy palm up to my window and pronounced, 'HALT! I AM A CHAMPION! YOU ARE NOT!' After staring me in the eyes for three whole seconds he rode off into the dark night, toward the avenue of Spence, to probably do some meth.
It was the beginning of a very bad night.
Posted by Salty at 10:12 PM
Posted by Pepper at 8:04 AM
Over the weekend I invited a friend over for dinner. I told her I had vegetarian pizza with lots of spinach and also some roasted vegetables if she wanted. There was also lemonade and sorbet for dessert.
When she came over she brought leftovers from Macaroni Grill and a Diet Dr. Pepper. She brought beers from her knapsack and told me about how she had been invited to model in a fetish show wearing a straightjacket and a bite. When she asked him what a bite is, he said, "Think of a speculum for the mouth. Oh yeah, and there'll be a guy following you, swatting you with a short leather whip. "
Posted by Salty at 12:08 AM
Monday, October 13, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:08 AM
Friday, October 10, 2008
In a move that is sure to make me want to shoot myself in April when I receive 12 W-2s in the mail, I recently got a new job, this time at a country club. The job is the bomb. I do banquets, which means I work with food-service types while serving rich people who belong to ridiculous organizations. Again, this job is the bomb.
Last night I chided a co-worker for constantly being sarcastic. "You have to be serious sometimes," I told him, "or else the cynicism loses its meaning." Then I picked up one of the powerpoint printouts and newsletters that the Risk Management Association left behind. I slid it under the napkin covering my server tray. "The best part of this job is stealing the literature they leave behind. It's so much fun to read," I told him.
He looked at me and said, "I'm just gonna say this, no sarcasm at all. You are really weird."
Posted by Salty at 7:42 PM
Posted by Pepper at 8:02 AM
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Him: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT TODAY I'M ALL STRESSED OUT ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT AND THAT BULLSHIT AND I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE RIGHT NOW AND YOU'RE REALLY TRYING ME HERE.
PS: Why do we use the dative case pronouns? Shouldn't it be, "I" and "He"? Wouldn't that be the correct short form of "I said," and "Boyfriend said"?
Posted by Salty at 3:36 PM
Posted by Pepper at 8:15 AM
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 7:48 AM
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
On Sunday Dorian was late for coffee. After paying for my brew and chatting up the worker girls, I eyed the outside patio nervously. There was a homeless man sitting right next to the spot I wanted. I fretted that he would make me uncomfortable, and that I would have to get up and sit inside. After deciding that the chances of contact were slim, I took a deep breath and walked outside.
"You should come and sit here next to me," he told me. I respectfully declined. "I know I don't stink because I just took a shower," he insisted. I told him I was waiting for a friend. "FRICKIG HRA HRA WOODISKAKI CHINGA JANG JANG SEEN WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME!" he replied, then got up and left.
Dorian didn't believe me when I told him what'd happened. "Wait," he said, "YOU made HIM so uncomfortable that he abandoned his fucking cup of coffee?"
Posted by Salty at 11:03 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:58 AM
Last week, my dad was home alone with the dogs. The dogs are a pit bull, Killer Kia, and a German Shepard, Uta. The dogs get into a fight. My dad lets them fight. "We should let nature take its course," he says. He continues to watch football. My sister gets home. She sees Uta's ear on the floor. She says, "Dad, what is wrong with Uta?" He replies, "What do you mean?" She responds, "Her ear is on the floor." He replies, "What do you mean?" She shows him the ear. He replies, "Oh, that's what you mean." Then he calls the dog. They confer that yes, Uta's ear has been chomped off by Killer Kia. My sister puts hydrogen peroxide on Uta's stub. My dad continues to watch football.
Instances like these are why I left home when I was seventeen. When people today ask me why I left so young, I just shrug my shoulders and reply, "I went to college early."
Posted by Salty at 2:30 AM
Monday, October 6, 2008
As I was cutting up the raspberry pies I made yesterday, my cousin's five-year-old son asked me what he should call me since I'm not really his uncle.
I said, "You can call me anything you want."
He seemed excited by this as I served him his piece of pie. "Really?"
I assured him that anything would be ok. He thought about it and said, "How about meatball head?" I said that would be fine and whenever he screamed "Meatball head" I would come running. Sadly, this is the coolest nickname I've ever had.
He poked at the pie I served him and said, "Meatball head, I don't like this pie. Can I just have whipped cream?" So I gave him a pile of whipped cream to eat. And that is why meatball head is the coolest.
Posted by Pepper at 7:17 AM
Friday, October 3, 2008
I've finally found the phone cord that I'd been missing for months. It was lost it sometime during the move, and I let Boyfriend know that the blame was squarely on his shoulders. "I can totally see you doing this," I told him, "picking something up, not knowing what it is, and tossing it because if it isn't important to you it isn't important to anyone, is it?"
I found it in my underwear drawer. That's where I put everything that I never want to lose. This made me angry. I confronted Boyfriend. "Why didn't you tell me to look in the underwear drawer? You KNOW that's where I put everything that I'm afraid of losing."
Posted by Salty at 10:31 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:50 AM
Supposedly, traditional birth control works in two ways. First, it prevents the ovaries from releasing an egg. Second, it thickens the mucus around the cervix thus hindering the movement of sperm. What they don't tell you is that it also works by rearranging your brain cells so that you become relatively sexually apathetic.
I have been off the BC for five days. Being off BC is like being on a sexual hallucinogen. No, I'm not staring at the eyelash that fell on their cheek. I'm imagining them boning me doggy-style. I imagine myself straddling them. I want them to slap my ass as I walk away.
This is why I need to be on BC.
This is why I'm glad my BF does not read my blog.
Posted by Salty at 12:20 AM
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:55 AM
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Last night I went with my friend Gina to hang out with some weirdos I'd never met before. "This is my friend Salty," she said, "Salty was my roommate for our year abroad. We didn't know each other when we flew over together and when we landed I commented that I needed to brush my teeth but had nothing to do it with so she whipped her toothbrush out and said, 'Here, use mine!"
I turned red. This is not how I like to be introduced.
In revenge I told them about how her grating personality caused our other roommate to stop flushing the toilet, ever, and then videotaped her reaction and the ensuing pandemonium for months until she went home early.
This is how you know you're best friends with someone.
Posted by Salty at 5:03 PM
Posted by Pepper at 9:13 AM
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 10:24 AM
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday I went to Blockbuster with Boyfriend. Negotiations were tough. He brought up something with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I countered with Mama Mia. He just looked at me.
In the end it was Hackers. I am the best girlfriend ever.
Posted by Salty at 9:13 PM
Posted by Pepper at 8:09 AM
Saturday, September 27, 2008
I spoke to my uncle today. My uncle is the kind of guy who breeds Rottweilers out of genuine love of the breed. The kind of guy who gives them tough-guy dog names, like Arnold and Tasha and Digau, which is Chinese for Big Dog. The kind of guy who spends five years mourning them after their death, refusing to get replacements.
He finally got a new Rott and named it Ali. The problem is his kids have a speech disorder. They call him Ollie.
"I have to get a new name," he said.
Posted by Salty at 12:14 AM
Friday, September 26, 2008
When you have to drain your bathtub with a bucket and the toilet before showering, it's time to call the plumber. As I dialed the rental office to request service, certain thoughts ran through my mind- thoughts like, "What could go wrong?" and, "Hey, it's free!"
I guess I didn't really think there was a thong stuck up there.
Posted by Salty at 12:35 AM
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:47 AM
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Have you ever put a Q-tip in either ear and started twisting them around and then had that strange feeling when you realized suddenly that your ears aren't symmetrically placed on your head? And then to make double-sure you took out the Q-tips and replaced them and did it over again?
Oh no, me neither.
Posted by Salty at 11:06 PM
Posted by Pepper at 9:54 AM
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sometimes when I come home and only my mom is there, we like to drink wine and laugh at the various documents that detail my little sister's inability to socialize herself. Yes, it's wrong. But the selection, a big stack at the top of the computer desk, is available and top-notch. It's usually things like insurance claims, traffic tickets, and notices of insufficient funds.
Like, today's zinger still has me laughing. It was a notice of insufficient funds for a bill paid at a tanning salon. The thing is, my sister's natural skin color is REALLY BROWN.
Posted by Salty at 9:23 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:55 AM
Monday, September 22, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:50 AM
Friday, September 19, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:52 AM
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Today I had a long-time-coming conversation with a friend who is getting married soon. She took a while to complain about her own mother's lukewarm reaction to the news of the engagement. It made her feel really unimportant. As she ranted, I jogged my memory to my own reaction to the news. With a grimace, I remembered.
I sent her a text message that said, "Congratulations!"
Posted by Salty at 10:36 PM
Three or four weeks ago, at one of the cool fratboy parties that they have in our backyard, some of the guests decided to bid adieu and say goodnight upon the bicycles that belong to Boyfriend and I. I imagine this was difficult since my cruiser weighed a hundred pounds and had two flat tires. Boyfriend is too tall for most people to ride his bike. I applaud the ambition of these bikethief losers.
We confronted the fratboys about our stolen bikes and they promptly agreed to replace them. And then, when we found out where the bikethiefs live, our neighbors promised to get them back. I imagined the fratboys engineering complicated plans to resteal our bikes in the middle of the night. I imagined a lookout person and someone with a chainsaw. I imagined them valiantly returning my bike.
As the weeks pass by, I'm starting to think I was wrong about that.
Posted by Salty at 10:36 PM
Posted by Pepper at 7:06 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Over the weekend, I washed my thirty-something pairs of underwear by hand in the bathtub. Since then, the bathtub has been superclogged. Putting two and two together I imagine there is a thong stuck somewhere in the piping.
Using ingenering ingenuity, I am approaching the problem with a two-step method. I have dumped so much Dran-o and hot water down the drain that I might be liable for damaging them. I also began an experiment to test the hypothesis, "With time, Dran-o will dissolve a thong." My test features a thong submerged in a jelly jar of Dran-o.
Since the Dran-o has neither dissolved the thong nor cleared the pipes, I am currently applying "indefinite period of time" to the problem and hope that that fixes it.
Posted by Salty at 5:17 PM
Posted by Pepper at 8:45 AM
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Posted by Pepper at 8:22 AM