The wife called me from work yesterday, which is very rare. She has called me from work only once or twice in the past year. I was immediately concerned.
Wife: I called my gynecologist today because I put on a few pounds really fast and my boobs have gotten so big that none of my bras fit.
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: I wanted to know if it had to do with the new birth control pills she put me on.
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: So she says, "Maybe you're pregnant."
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: So when I went out for lunch I stopped at CVS to buy a pregnancy test.
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: When I put it on the counter I used my left hand and put my hand on top so the clerk could see my wedding ring.
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: Anyway, I couldn't wait until I got back to work so when I went to Dunkin Donuts to get my coffee I went in the bathroom there and took the test.
Me: Uh-huh.
Wife: And guess what?
Me: What?
Wife: I'm totally not pregnant.
Me: Next time please START THE FUCKING STORY WITH THAT. I think I am having a heart attack.
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