OMFG

For the past year and a half, I have lived in a small Arizona town that I absolutely despise. Soon, at the end of May, I will break free from these shackles. I am moving into an apartment very, very close to my favorite Tempe watering hole. Coincidence? No.

Because of a recent epidemic of break-ups and divorces, many people have inquired about drinking with me. So many*, in fact, that I am forced to introduce...

The Salty Senorita Drinking Buddy Application
1. Do you hate your job? Your boss? When you complain, do you get into excruciating detail or stick to general cursing? Please provide an example.

2. Do you frequently do any of the following when drunk:
a. Show your boobs
b. Cry
c. Punch me in the face
d. Throw up
If any of the above are circled, please terminate application.

3. Do you frequently do any of the following when drunk:
a. Pee in the alley
b. Call your friends
c. Confront your enemies
d. Fall asleep in the street
If any of the above are circled, please provide a short description and your phone number. Your application will be processed shortly.

* is 3 a lot?